While I wish I could say that I did full yoga practice every day, alas, mommy life (at least in my world) does not lend itself well to as devote a practice as I would like. Nonetheless, as I have mentioned before, I do manage at least a tidbit here and there, sometimes with the assistance of the littles and sometimes tucked away on my own. It’s long been a dream of mine to be sharing that practice here on the blog yet alas (again..), there has been that ever nagging “Self Saboteur”, as I’ve learned to call it through Abundant Yogi’s, Lifestyle Design Coaching Program and the work of Susan Anderson, in “Taming Your Outer Child”, that has been holding me back. As I’ve mentioned I do teach yoga, however only manage one class a week at this time. Having chosen to do the stay at home mom thing for the most part, I always figured my calling was to share my study and practice of yoga (both the physical and the practically applied philosophical bits) right here. After all there was a deeply rooted reasoning I called this blog yogi mommi in the first place..
you know, just in case you were wondering ;)
As I’ve also mentioned, I had fairly recently come to enlist some (amazing) child care for myself a couple of days a week in hopes of making some of my dreams a reality in creating my dreams of becoming a mompreneur. Always, plotting and searching for a way to weave it (relatively) seamlessly into my mommy life. In my head it seemed “simple”. On paper, it looked (sort of) clear. Yet as applied in real life, meh, not so much. My struggles with it all as I may have mentioned ;) has been the bones of this blogging effort so far. It’s actually pretty amazing to look back over some of my posts and see how in my own way I was in fact “putting it to paper” as so much of my this new program I have kind of “fallen” into, suggests is so important. While I realize I have so much more work to do.. (like forever and ever…), I also realized I have been doing the work all along in my own way. The idea that I’ve taken the leap to find a way to gain some real clarity and actually get “unstuck” is pretty flipping exciting.
Today I am off from my kids and spent the morning working on my course, listening to material, doing the associated exercises, and planning on dialing in for a live class at noon. When I realized that somehow I had not received the email with the dial in number I suddenly felt a bit panicked and lost even though I knew I would have access to the call afterwards. I realized it wasn’t missing the call that was causing my angst. It was the idea that I now had to come up with something else to do if I wanted this precious alone time to remain in productivity mode. I also realized that it was fairly likely that time should be spent putting together a blog post and one that addressed some of the fears surrounding that which this very morning, I had noted as clearly what I needed to do to make this thing happen.
I can’t tell you how many times I have made a video, how many posts I have started and never finished. How many photo stories I edited and never posted. For some reason (and not just for lack of time), follow through on things has never felt like a strength, and with good reason. I’m not sure that anyone can say they operate at their best when they are feeling overwhelmed and at the root of it all, plain old afraid. The thing is I’m pretty darn sure that most of us don’t even realize how often we are operating from a place of fear. Over after these last few years of practicing mindfulness and learning to be in my body, taking time to observe the chatter of my mind, and finally (mainly as of late) learning to rest with uncomfortable feelings long enough to realize them for what they really are, have I become aware of the sensations that arise in association with the fear that accompanies thoughts of writing and posting here. It’s never been an easy process but I kept doing it anyway because something in me insists I need too. Of course once I make my way to the computer and start writing, quite often the words will just flow and when I finish and actually post something it feels so amazing, so right and true, that I know I did the right thing..
.. and yet, there is still the part of me that knows the same thing will happen again. The difference is, now I know why. Now I’m not scared of feeling scared. I’ve learned it’s those feeling of being afraid that we are afraid of. Fear is not real, it’s completely made up in our minds. We become trapped in that fear because we resist the sensations that arise when it does. If we can find a way to first become aware of the sensations (i.e. tightening the chest, a pit in our stomach, a lump in our throat, feeling suffocated or frozen, unable to move), and just then let that sensation be, placing our attention on it and giving it a right to live through us, then we can begin to feel truly free.
Ok, since I don’t actually have all day, getting back to the here and now, and how I ended up sitting down to post in the first place today. After taking stock in those feelings and letting them be, I had decided to make a move and to keep it simple.
Yesterday I took a small big of video of my outdoor yoga practice with the intention once again of posting a snippet for some of my students and of course anyone else who was interested. Lately, in an effort to make things feel less scary I suppose, I had decided to focus my energy those people I knew would be interested in my help in this area. Sometims, it still perplexes me how I could not be afraid to get up in front of a group and teach, yet find teaching to a camera scary. Of course it comes back to the fact it’s something I would need to watch and inevitable critique. Anyway, of course, I forgot to press record, (not the first time, nor intentionally). When I realized this, my yoga time “was up” so instinctively decided this “wasn’t the time” and started to move on to my next task..
.. but then something told me I wasn’t quiet finished and so I pressed record and got back on my mat, but this time with no preconceived notion it was to be shared. This time it was just for me. When I went back to the video footage today, I didn’t feel compelled to share the whole thing or spend a ton of time editing to try and make it into something “artful”. Instead a little voice reminded me of some of the pointers I’ve been gather from my course work, that even the tiniest steps in the direction we want to go, the smallest ways we can embrace and challenge ourselves to set our fears aside, will make all the difference in the world in eventually releasing them once and for all. My intention was actually to simply choose s snippet and simple post it on instagram. Easy peasy. A little baby step. I could do that. It would feel good, mainly because I had invited my fear in and used it as fuel. It didn’t matter how far it got me. All that mattered was that there was momentum.
Then suddenly I found myself writing this post..
haha.. just like magic.
Anyway, to get on with the yoga part of this for now, I choose a teeny clip of my favourite self adjustments in downward dog to share. Just a few little pointers that can make all the difference in how we feel about the pose.
you know, kind of like in life ;)
So here you go..
DELVING A LITTLE BIT DEEPER in DOWNWARD DOG.
oh and btw, there is voice recording link just below the video snippet. Who knows, maybe next time I'll actually manage to put the two together! haha.. baby steps!
Hope to catch back up with you here again soon.
Have a super duper fantabulous day friends.