so it's been a kind of hectic couple of weeks full of days where i have THE FULLEST of intention of posting.. and it just doesn't happen. seriously, it feels like forever and i am FEELING it. i tell you what, when i don't post i just don't feel like "myself". it's just the way it is. although i should probably rephrase that a little. in truth, it's when i don't WRITE that i don't feel like "myself".
actually, there are a lot of things that i normally do to help me feel like myself (outside of being a mom of course), that i have totally been neglecting lately.
a few weeks ago things felt like they were flowing nicely. even a couple of weeks ago i was truly feeling "on a roll" and did a ton of writing that is way WAY over due. it's interesting to me how i give so little credit to the process. until things are ready to be shared and actually OUT THERE, it's as if they don't get done at all. in truth what comes out here is truly the tip of the iceberg.
and in truth, a lot has been going on. too much to get into in one (would be quickie) post for sure.
the last few months have come with some good momentum... you know, the kind that often rushes in on the heels of chaos. when the momentum had seemed to stall over the last couple of weeks, i found myself slipping into a bit of a hole.
AND THEN, i realized it was largely a result of me NOT doing all of the things i have set out with this GIANT intention to help others learn to do to make THEIR lives a little (or even a lot) happier. the little bits of mommy time squeezed in here and there, the even ever so brief bursts of creativity outside of my daily duties, the creativity WITHIN my daily duties, the breathing, the learning, the teaching...
it just all seemed to stop. there was no room. no space. no time.
the main point here however, is that we ALL DO THIS. especially as mamas. days and weeks blow by and we are like "WHAT JUST HAPPENED?", "when was the last time i showered??", "did i eat lunch today??"..
"WHO'S KIDS ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOUR MAMA!?!?!"
SERIOUSLY though. WHAT JUST HAPPENED? when did i become a mom of two. where did those days go where i had hours and hours to myself but still couldn't find the time for all the things i "wanted to do"...
and WHY ON EARTH would i think it was acceptable to beat myself up over struggling to find the time now. the thing is if i don't make a point to stay up a little bit late to do some writing or take a time out from freaking out over dumb shit to just take a bazillion pictures of my kids instead, or to do five minutes of morning yoga while they eat breakfast, or sneak off for three of meditation or breathing while they are occupied by the tv, to create something random or work on the most slowly stocked etsy shop in all of history.. ;)
then i completely start to fall apart.
as not so much of a coincidence, i clearly also really missed the one yoga class a week i normally instruct on tuedsay evenings with remembrance/veterans day this past. only today as i was writing this, did i note how much teaching really fills me up and really REALLY makes me feel like my "self".
oh yes, and i just need to share how hilarious it is that i thought with this extra whole two hours that i wouldn't be teaching that maybe would maybe get some of the back log of posting i have out there but alas... guess what happened?
I WAS BUSY BEING A MAMA.
i often wonder if my posting frequency (or lack there of here) has any real impact other than the plummeting stats. despite the fact that i firmly believe anyone and everyone's story has the potential to inspire and make a difference, i have moments where i wonder how it "even matters??" if i post because, does anyone really care. is anyone REALLY out there wondering where i am and waiting for me to say something.
i mean to say it out loud sounds a little self indulgent to say the least.
the thing is, i realize over and over again that it really doesn't matter if they are or not. because these things i do that i shouldn't, that i couldn't possibly have the time for...
those are the things, that remind me that i am not just a mom, (even though i really really REALLY love being just that), those are the things, that make me feel like my "self" when the rest get's to be too much.
ya so, in case you missed it... ;), when i don't do them...
i start to feel stuck.
like all that stuff in that tree in that book that i've been reading foster every night recently..
huh. how about that.
now i think we can all agree. nothing feels worse than feeling stuck in a place where we don't feel comfortable in our skin.
icky. sticky. :( when we feel icky we tend to not be as nice as we would like to be to the people closest to us. our sore spots feel like they are being poked at. we poke back. times like these, they happen and that's ok. those people love us. and they do the same by times. we talk it out with those people and they understand.
this is the reason that these people are those we hold closest. this is life. these are our relationships. this is what love is all about.
anyway, as it turns out, and as i had forgotten, this all tends to happen when kiddos are icky sicky (we've been too gross for the playdates that save our sanity the last couple of weeks), that mama really drops the ball on the whole "doing the stuff that makes her feel like her 'self'." bit. and it's around these times (and of course the beautiful blessing of a monthly visitor), that things start to go awry and the unravelling begins.
oh and did i mention that in true prairie styles we are suddenly into the deep freeze of winter?
anyway, the thing is, to that unravelling, there is always an end. an opening. a flowing.
and things come out on the other side,
and beautiful and amazing things happen.
life flows on.
one of those amazing things happening was my regular yoga class venue forgetting to book me for the next session's would be first class. i knew this was the perfect opportunity for something a little different. a step in a direction i knew i needed to go.
long story short, our first eight weeks post summer vacay had ended and when i check on the room rental as i got ready to roll into another session, what would have been the first week, wasn't available... and so the first karma class of "yoga with rebecca", was born as i sought out another space for the week. our first non profit outreach recipient, the school districts breakfast program. a practice and raffle or silent auction (yet to be decided). nothing big or fancy, just a little something that incidentally REALLY makes me feel like myself.
for this i am very VERY thankful :)
for it all. yes. very very VERY thankful.
and nonetheless also kind of tired.
i shall leave you with a little mantra o mine from these past few weeks as I say to my self...
what's this mindful mommi movement biz all about?
hmmm.. for another day ;)
nighty night time friends.