well actually, i cried several times. i think most mamas know those days. the ones where you are pretty sure there is no possible way you are going to make it though that day, let along the weeks, months and years to come. the days where even if you are the "every challenge is an opportunity to marvellous growth" believer type, you wonder how the hell anyone could deal with the emotions that incessant whining, fighting and resisting every single thing you just wish they would do so that you didn't have to expend so much energy on what should be the simplest tasks.... bring out. what is the deal with whining anyway? how its it that it makes us feel like our heads might blow off within a matter of seconds. i beat myself up about this all the time. the lack of control i have over myself, especially when i am overtired or just over it in general and it starts... i teach yoga for heavens sake... (says that delightfully judgemental voice in my head). i practice (or rather, know how to...) all kinds of breathing techniques and postures that are suppose to help you keep your cool. i try to mediate a few minutes here and there. i do my best. i should have a handle on this. there is nothing that makes me dislike myself more, than finding myself in a screaming match with my three year old... only to have him turn around and scream at his little brother. it's clear where it is coming from and it's also clear who is SUPPOSE to be the adult here...
the second time i cried we were in the garage where our coat closet is... trying to get dressed to go outside because heaven knew we needed it. it's been ridiculously cold around here and we've had a bit of a flu. being trapped at home is no good for anyone. finally at least it was a beautiful day to be outside. at this point it was as if no matter what i tried, no one was happy, no one was on board, and they were doing everything to make it as difficult as possible for anything remotely fun and pleasant to happen. of course my own attitude at this point was not helpful. it had been a rough week with a lot of tension. i was so tired of arguing and mostly, of yelling. like seriously, i was in crazy lunatic mom mode by this point.
and i was hating myself for it.
so i sat on the closet floor right there in front of them.
and i cried.
and they noticed.
and they stopped.
and f said oh so gently and earnestly..
"you're ok mom. it's going to be ok."
and in that moment, even though experience had taught me he was absolutely right. even though i was in awe in of how my heart could almost burst with love even in that desperate moment, i could still somehow, not comprehend ever not feeling this way. it was just one of those days where all you want to do, all you need, is to love but it feels like something in the way and you can't make it disappear because you don't know what is it...
*sigh*, yes indeed, it was the kind of
last night i taught the first yoga class of our first session of 2015. for the last few years, when i have not been on a "mat leave" (haha, no pun intended) or in the depths of the summer months when most fitness classes in our small town wind down, i teach one yoga class a week in a rented space at a local hotel. i cherish this class for many reasons including the fact that it get's me out of the house on tuesday nights for a couple of hours ;) i love the people who show up for themselves. even if it's a one time drop in. i am deeply humbled to be given such a beautiful gift as the opportunity to guide people through such a potentially life changing practice. the possibilities of what there is to learn on and take off the mat are truly limitless and i know this from experience.
i have had the mind to expand upon these reasons here on this blog, oh so many times. i have also had the mind to post supplementary video for those people i only get to see for their yoga once a week, and anyone who is interested, many times. in fact i have had the mind to post oh so many things to the end of how to live a healthy happy mindful life on pretty much a daily basis (yes even the ones i am losing my mind..;).
the days i manage to do these things i speak of for myself, are always the best, the happiest, the most peaceful and productive. there are so many things that i know work so very well for me and undoubtably would for others. the fact is, my life's path has placed me exactly where i am, and my flow has brought me an incredibly amount of knowledge. that knowledge happens to be how to be healthier and happier through mindful living. my father is a doctor and my mom was a nurse (before she did the SAHM thing with the five of us of which i am the oldest), it's been and oddly long time realizing just how firmly printed in my blueprint what i feel so compelled to do actually is. it makes such perfect sense, it seems it should all just flow so easily.
the thing is, i don't get to go out to that part of my "job" every day. i don't get the space to share it in the structured manner my mind insists i should. i have chosen to be at home and that is an amazing gift and privilege but it doesn't make the rest of my sense of purpose disappear. when i left my "career" to become a mom i figured i would go about going what i had been doing in my "spare" time (bahahahahaha) here on my blog.
only it never quite worked out that way.
well at least not in the way i had imagined.
being a mama is one of those things where it is very easy to lose yourself. always always always, everyone else will come first. we try to make space. god knows i try. i even succeed sometimes i think... well i suppose the fact that i have a blog at all and that i get out to teach once a week, is evidence enough :) the problem i come up against is that this space, that really does mean so much to me, up to this point, has pretty much always come last. let's face it. time may be an "illusion" but there still seem to be only so many hours in the day and man oh man, there is a lot to be done and a WHOLE lot of distraction within those hours. it can feel really REALLY difficult, to find a little bit of space for yourself in it all period. day after day i tell myself i will "do that this evening when everyone is in bed", and day after day, i find myself instead, falling into bed, vowing that i will start getting up before everyone instead because by the time night falls, i am just too tired...
last night i came home after class and started to make my way to bed. w woke with some teething troubles and it was midnight (gasp!) before i got there. when f rolled into my room at six am panic set in as the particularly stressful bits of the previous few days, played over in my head. in my mind there was no way i could handle an extra two hours of day with him. he doesn't nap anymore unless he is sick or completely exhausted, and the rare occasion he does usually makes for a very late night the following. i took him back to bed and lay with him while he fidgeted, tossed and turned. i truly had little hope he would fall back asleep. after about a half hour or so i left him awake and went back to bed. i curled up in a ball and waited to hear his little footsteps. while i did i found myself praying...
now while i can definitely say i am an extremely spiritual person, it occurred to me at this point that i rarely sit an pray and ask for anything for myself. i ask my angels to help me guide others through their practice, i ask them to help me be more patient and level headed so that i can be a better mom and wife. i even ask them to help me with my "business", which itself has always been driven by the idea that i have had such an abundant life, i really want to be able to give back somehow. i ask for things to help me help others but for me, just for me, in this way, not so much.
in those moments what i was asking for, felt very different. i felt myself reaching out in a desperation that felt very new and raw and emotionally charged. in a way i could feel myself falling and i was praying for some to just reach out catch me. to lift me back up to a place where i could feel as if i would be ok again as opposed to fast tracked to the looney bin. i am not sure i could even put into words what my heart was asking for other than...
HELP. PLEASE. I NEED HELP.
a cool wave of calm washed through me and all around me. it was palpable. i felt it. every part of me suddenly perfectly relaxed and still. i work with my energetic self through reiki and various energy healing modalities on a daily basis and am familiar with the sensations associated with that practice, but this was very different. as i lay there in my cocoon of stillness, i fell asleep. when f wandered into my room the next time it was 9:30. w had slept that long as well. i felt calm and rested and as far as these days go, very refreshed. not at all as i would normally after being up early and falling back asleep for almost three hours. that kind of sleeping pattern normally leaves me feeling groggy and cranky. we got up and everyone was happy, ate every bite of breakfast without a complaint and all in all. we ran errands, had some outside time, a play dough party while w napped, took f to his skating lessons and all in all, had a pretty great day.
and would you believe it. there was virtually no yelling.
last night as i climbed into bed, i had placed a piece of angelite beside my bed with the intention of using it during a bit of reiki in an effort to help the sore throat i had had for days. i really REALLY will tell you all about my journey with reiki in 2014 (which is to be continued in 2015 very soon..), in another post but have linked more info here in case you are interested or just confused ;)
basically reiki works with life force energy aka universal energy, to balance and cleanse the energy systems of the body, known as the chakra system. think of the chakra system as the intersections between what we might call "heaven" and "earth", through which the energy which sustains us as living beings, flows. within the physical body there are seven of these chakras. the "health" of each chakra affects how we relate and respond to the world around us, as well as our physical health. these chakras are also where the energy of our experiences is held which tends to affect how they function. with regards to balancing and cleansing them, they respond to several things, including different types of crystals and essential oils (two of my current obsessions). basically, in this case, on a physical level, by working with my throat chakra, i was hoping help to alleviate the pain of a sore throat as well as to heal it faster. i am currently also learning how to use these crystals aka semi precious stones (like those stones i use to make my jewerly), to assist in this process. angelite is one of those crystals that works with several chakras including the throat. it also so happens, is used to help us connect with our angels and spirit guides. when i made the connection that i had happened to have that close by and with the intention to use it (as i had never really before) during my what i can only describe as a "healing" experience this morning, it was a pretty neat "coincidence". :)
now i understand this may all seem a little out there for some. if you are reading this and you are one of those people that now thinks i'm really a nut job ;) no worries, but if you find this stuff intriguing at all, let me tell you, i may have cried yesterday, but i believe in my heart that my angels heard me and they answered my prayers and my belief in this stuff goes way WAY beyond a rough day at the office.
we'll get to more that around here eventually, i promise.
for now it is getting late. as i head to bed tonight i feel much lighter than last. for this, along with this relatively peaceful day, and this beautiful life in general, i could not be more grateful :) but before i go, please let me show you just what a glorious winter day it really was around here today.
sorry we're missing w in these shots. he was snoozing, but we have some fun ones from yesterday's walk.. the one we did manage despite mama's meltdown, that we'll do our best to share in the next day or so..
here's hoping it's not long until next time friends.
don't be afraid to ask for what you need.